How NOT To Be A Bore

A very dear and well loved friend of mine, (let's call him Moby) , has, I'm afraid, completely broken with me. The fault is, of course mine... Moby is the type of person who loves the sound of his own voice,and a week or so ago, after listening to a two-hour long monologue(over the phone), i fell asleep. I fell asleep while he was still talking.And i suspect he didn't find out for a good 15 minutes that there was nobody on this side of the call.

Nothing hurts the ego of a man who thinks of himself as a great orator, than to have his audience fall asleep so unceremoniously while he is talking. This is probably why Moby has not called or messaged me in the last 6 days. And this would also probably explain why he has chosen to IGNORE USER me on orkut. While nothing excuses my bad behaviour, I'd like to draw Moby's attention to a few points, (though i have feeling he is not going to be reading my blogs anytime soon). This is also for any other reader who wants to be sure people don't fall asleep while in conversation with them.:

1. DO NOT act like a know-it-all. It's supposed to be a conversation, not a lecture. An excessive show of knowledge get's on anybody's nerves.

2. Let the other person talk too. Don't take advantage of the fact that s/he is a good listener.

3. DO NOT name-drop. Subtle references to your own achievements will impress your listeners. Referring to the fact that you have successful friends will merely bore them. Moreover, if you overdo it, people will stop believing you. They'll start seeing you as a very sad failure.

4. Show interest in your listeners' lives. Don't make the mistake of thinking that their raison d'etre is to listen to you.

5. Don't talk like an asshole. If someone asks you what you think about a movie, do not go on for an hour about how the director /editor/ whatever was your junior in college and learnt all he knows from you, the ungrateful bugger. Just say whether you like the movie or not.

6. If you don't know nuts about something, don't venture to comment/ advise people on such topics. If your line is film-making, do not give career advice to people in the commerce/corporate line. If you obviously don't know anything about khisti khamari, stop trying to give gyan about it to people who do know. Do not scatter wisdom about sex if you are still a virgin.

7. DO NOT be an AANTEL. Nobody likes an AANTEL.

8. DO NOT repeat your life tragedies to people more than once. The first time, people empathise. All subsequent times, they merely act polite and pretend to listen.( Honestly MB, i still don't really know what that SRFTI caper is all about. Everytime you say SRFTI, my mind switches off)

9. Try not to be self centred and egotisical. That always helps. Don't talk about imaginary achievments. It doesn't impress people. It makes them pity you.

10. And last, whatever you do, DO NOT talk incessently(I mean with zero participation from the other side) for more than 10 minutes. Moby's best is 45 minutes. He does not know this, but many a times while he's talking, I've put the phone down, gotten up to make a cuppa tea, drunk it down, and come back to my seat without him realising even once that I've been absent.

I realise that I've probably hammered the last nails into the coffin of our friendship, but it was in a good cause. If this helps Moby or anybody to hold the attention of their audience in future, I shall not have written in vain.

Hope everybody had a happy weekend.