Monday, July 28, 2008

Did Anyone Say Marriage??

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

Ogden Nash (A Word To Husbands)

One thing that bugs me sure and often, is how a man and a woman can stay together in matrimony, year after year, decade after decade, when it is so obvious to me that men and women are not meant to stay together.
Marriage, as a concept, fails dreadfully. It involves the constant cohabitation of two people who do not share families, upbringings, perspectives and are not even of the same gender. It seems to be, from the beginning, a power struggle, one party doing its best to dominate the other party, which either gives in passively, or schemes and struggles to overthrow the power hierarchy in a bloodless (or even bloody) coup. They hold each other back; make their partners feel guilty for whatever it is that they enjoy doing, whether it’s shopping or beer. They are mostly incompatible. If one likes to sleep with the window open, the other cannot sleep unless it is shut and curtained. If one loves parties, the other avoids them like the plague.
And yet, the miracle is that marriage, as a practicality, is generally a brilliant idea. And people who are married will moan and complain and grumble, but they will, without fail, try to convince all their unmarried friends, children, children of friends, friends of children, that married is THE ONLY WAY TO BE. And though the two halves of a couple may be as different from each other as chalk is from a cheese pizza with pepperoni and anchovies, they still manage to develop an inexplicable friendship. And I think what keeps most marriages ticking for years, in spite of the theoretical impossibility, is not love or romance or even dependence, but this very friendship, this understanding that grows with cohabitation.
And since I began with Ogden Nash, I’ll finish with some favorite lines, also from Nash.
“…That is why marriage is so much more interesting than divorce,
Because it's the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force.
So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat over everything debatable and combatable,
Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,particularly if he has income and she is pattable”

Ps- I want to thank my ma and baba for not listening to their wiser instincts and quitting a long time ago. Today their marriage turns 28 years old.

11 paper boats came floating back to me:

chirpy-paaro said...

Congratulations to Uncle and Aunty...
And i m sorry but in this blog many are the points on which I dont agree... But stilll..Very nicely written.

Little Girl Lost said...

fact in point. you'd know much better than me. :)

Sara said...

I just loved your blog!

I think u should quit your job and become a writer!


chirpy-paaro said...

You have been tagged..:)

Nidhi said...

Congrats to your parents on their 28th wedding anniversary..

I appreciate the way you ve written your post but am sorry to say, I don't really agree with you much on that. No offence, I do respect your views but to me marriage is more about two people coming together to make two families happier and doing things to bring smiles on each other's face... Its give and take... The more you give urself into a relationship... the more u get happiness and a feeling of completeness out of it :)

I will again say... m sorry if my words sound offensive... just felt like sharing my views :)

Marina D'Souza said...

Oh marriage is so many things, and you've gotten some of them down here perfectly right. Nicely written :)

buno mainak said...

righto dear,amar kachheo eta boro prohelika-kibhabe ekta chhele r ekta meye eksathe thake
a very apt topic to raise

Little Girl Lost said...

so tell me shantanu. did u like it?

ShantanuDas said...

Sorry 2day some major hub prob seems to be here at Chennai (or what!) both our net lines down.. so using tataindicom now to reply.. late..

yesss yess yess!! Absolutely your writing is deep..

see it is one thing to appreciate poetry [ur quoting this beautiful poem) or art (your van gogh painting- no i saw the painter name just now in yr comment on MD's blog) and one thing to observe things around you and one thing to be able to think and appreciate and one thing to know the english language... BUT it is another thing to COMBINE all these into your writings.. I can see glimpses of that in all of your writings.. so far. & yet you are funny too.. just the right dose of humour in yr writings..

This topic is a fav of mine.. I can summarise marriage in one word -- yes u hv done it.. u hv said it is friendship.. some call it companionship..

I say that.. all the time.. but the wonderful thing of a good writing is it shld make the reader think and come up with thoughts.. u hv made me do that and I came up with a revelation.. that perhaps Marriage is letting Go...

Since men and women are not meant to stay together, it is better to allow them to go.. What do I mean? I mean do not hold back do not tie ropes.. around.. yet just go on loving.. just lovee..ahhh...

It is the mind which causes all problems.. not the heart.. i will say.. heart gets the blame always.. for splits.. but mind is the controller.. if you do not encage the mind. then you do not hold back..

Since I like driving very much.. and you seem to be one who will know driving too an analogy is coming to my mind.. when u skid,..the technique is NOT to resist.. turn the wheel to move the car towards the direction of the skid.. (usual tendency is to do opposite and cause acccidents!) and u do it slowly .. baass!! the car gets into control again..

Same thoughts came to my mind when I read ur lines "it is so obvious to me that men and women are not meant to stay together."

& here "chalk is from a cheese pizza with pepperoni and anchovies" I was amazed at how you changed the age old phrase Chalk and Cheese to cater to the Domino syndrome !! added peperonni also !! haah gosh!! LOL!

You are gr8! But I do not say this just because your writing style proves to me, what I first thought about u when i got "mothed" 2 yr gumpaper, and read the first post that you have depth and seen ur eyes (if DAT is UR photo!!) which confirms the depth.. but i say this bcs I am an expert in marriages..& I can see U hv GOT IT correct! Without being married (mb i m wrong) but yaa i am an expert! blv me


Marriages are indeed an adventure and more interesting than divorce.. and those who divorce are boring people!!

coffeeismypoison said...

This was such a sweet way to pay tribute to ur folks' long marriage...Congratulations and "touchwood" :)

you are right in someways...most fact. But whether one is married or in a long long term steady relationship...

M.Scott Peck wrote this v.insightful book...The road less travelled. I'm goin to post a blog on it...but il tell u the part that most stuck out. The first few months...maybe even year...into a relationship don't really count as "love". cos in that time, you only see the pluses...even the bad parts seem nice. Its when the romance is slightly lessened its tempo, and eyes opened, that u really see the dark side of the person u "love". and its when u STILL want to stay...with him/her...after love really develops...after years of knowing each other...every deep dark ugly aspect...that u still wAnt to remain together..well thats love. Its the "friendship" u mentioned. Thats what matters.
My man n I and chalk and cheese...if u read this v.v.amateur post ul know what i mean. And in july We'll [I'll] celebrate our 4.5 years anniv!
its this

lafemmereva said...

ah!! im sorry , I quite am a proponent of the institution of marriage but I like how you have written your views :)